keranzi

it's 11:20 pm.  i have be at the rink at 6:00 am [let's be honest i probably won't get there until 6:30] i have to pack for this weekend. i have to clean my room, bathroom, living room, and kitchen . . . and what am i doing?
updating my blog. 


it's been an emotional couple of weeks for me. some reasons i can't even explain, other reasons i don't want to explain, but part of it has been self image. do i have low self-esteem? no. maybe. yes. there are sometimes when i think i'm ugly. no, there are a lot of times when i do. why are girls so hard on themselves? i hate it. i have so many friends who complain about being ugly and fat and whatever [i do it too, everyday] and it drives me c R a Z y because they are all so beautiful. [are boys like that?] whatever. i think it's dumb. the most annoying part is that my insecurities are shown by passing judgments on other people. i hate that about myself - and it doesn't even make me feel better. [i'm going to stop that] from now on i'm going to try to see people the way God does, beautiful. and i'm going to stop worrying about being 'pretty enough' or 'skinny enough' or 'whatever enough'.


there is no shame in make-up and cute clothes, in fact, i think it's important to look presentable and dignified, i think we should take care of ourselves, stay healthy and have good hygiene, but i get so so so annoyed when i am a part of or over hear conversations that involve evaluating someone's physical appearance. if i had just one cent for every time i've heard a guy ask 'is she hot?' before he asks anything else, i'd have ... well probably just a dollar, but that's a lot of pennies! seriously, other than being nice to look at, what does it do for anyone to be 'hot'? nothing. if you were blind it wouldn't matter. [maybe i should marry a blind guy.]


i realize that attraction is important. i understand and do not disagree that there must be some level of physical attraction for a relationship to work, h o w e v e r, i don't think we can see what people really 'look like' until we get to know them. i strongly believe that if you're pretty on the inside, you're pretty on the outside. of all places, you'd think people at BYU would understand that, but to be honest, i'm not so sure that people here do.


there. i said it.